I dreamt last night that I started dating someone new. I didn't have feelings for him but there was a chance they could develop. We were at a party with lots of people. He sat on the sofa and I stood behind him, leaning over and talking, sometimes kissing his arm. It was an intimate party in our little bubble.
I didn't know who any of the other people were. I wasn't paying attention to them. I didn't even realize that the guy sitting on the same couch was my ex. He had different hair and no glasses. When I saw him, I felt awash with a guilt that sank my stomach. It was not because of a debt to him. I was sad because I knew I was trying to fool myself. I was dating a stranger when I still had him in my heart.
Unfortunately, I looked convincing on the outside. Even if he didn't care anymore what I did, I still wanted to be honest in how I felt and let him see that I still loved him. Before I could do anything else, I woke up.
I caught glimpses of you today, but turned away. It was like seeing a forbidden color. I wanted to look so badly, to stare and drink you in with my eyes. But I knew it would only bring me grief.
I realized something. You're too nice for your own good. No, that I already knew. You won't tolerate anyone getting hurt for your sake. You feel guilty for causing any discomfort or pain. You'd rather remove yourself from a situation than stew in a cesspool of risk.
But you don't understand that by avoiding conflict and pain at all costs, you also throw away the chance to be happy. If you become a soldier and don't let people save you, you hurt them by putting yourself in danger. When you see that someone is hurting and you are the cause, you hate yourself until you have no more love to give.
Love is not always happy. It comes with a large capacity for pain.
I am not sorry that I still love you. I am sorry that you cannot love yourself.
I had a great day today. Only 1 class in the morning, a walk around campus with a professor for my sustainability project, and lunch and dinner with friends.
After dinner, we played fooseball and then went to Spring Sing, which is like the American Idol night for my school. Students perform and we vote for the best performance. The female violin trio group called Alto won 3 awards, including the overall win! I'm glad because they were really good and just so vintage and adorable in their dress.
The main female singer sounds very similar to the lead singer of Feist!
Tonight was pretty fun. My hair color is so light compared to my friend's. I feel like I've forgotten how it is to have black hair. I don't mind though, I like this color.
Incompetent, mostly. My grades are low despite easy classes and lots of effort imparted. I fumble through tasks and because of my lack of abilities, I am embarrassed to call myself even intermediate or proficient. If I improved at a reasonable pace, well I'd be an expert.
I like to live in my dreams, or through my love. Those things can never be labeled incompetent. It can be effortless and still so powerful. But life cannot consist of dreams and love alone. It demands more rigorous things like exercise for good health, job skills and money for sustenance, common logic. Things I am afraid will not be plentiful in the future. If only dreams and love could be enough to run my car, feed my stomach, and put me in a warm bed at night. If only happiness was the only requirement in life. That's what's most important and yet so many people feel the need to sacrifice it. To live a life full of things, a life not worth living because it is comprised of material things and accomplishments and misery and loneliness.
I wouldn't mind being incompetent if I had love. But in this world, both can be poisonous.
True
